


Hopeless

by Catchinglikekerosene



Series: Stories for Songs [4]
Category: Open Heart (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25431232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catchinglikekerosene/pseuds/Catchinglikekerosene
Summary: This takes place somewhere in OHSY Chapter 1 after Ethan returns from the Amazon and assumes their talk and kiss at Donohue's never happened.Song Request: Hopeless by Halsey
Relationships: Ethan Ramsey/Main Character (Open Heart), Ethan Ramsey/Original Female Character(s), Harper Emery/Ethan Ramsey, Rafael Aveiro/Main Character (Open Heart)
Series: Stories for Songs [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838125
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Ethan Ramsey was in the cafeteria speaking with Harper, the two attendings grabbing a hot meal for a late-night dinner. They spoke like two old friends, happily and without complications. 

Becca watched from her position at the condiment station as he intimately placed his hand on Harper’s lower back and offered to pay for her food. It was a small gesture, but to Becca it was everything. Becca would never have the privilege of these simple moments with him ever again. He made that as clear as a summer’s day during her first shift as a diagnostics fellow a couple mornings ago after his miraculous return from the Amazon by telling her “there is no  _ us _ ”. 

The distance. The complications; everything he rattled off as reasons to stop, meant nothing to her. Every time he pushes her away she keeps crawling back like a moth to a flame, never really learning her lesson all the same. Why can’t she stay away from him? 

_ How _ can he go about his life - doesn’t he feel  _ anything  _ anymore? 

To be just colleagues - strictly professional as he put it - how could anything between them be that simple ever again? They’ve seen each other naked. They’ve carried and soothed the burden of the others’ vulnerabilities. Ethan and Rebecca were never simply colleagues. From the moment Ethan Ramsey let himself sign her textbook that first day of intern year they were doomed to be something more. 

Her feet stuck to the floor and her eyes transfixed on Harper, Becca couldn’t understand whether she was jealous that  _ she  _ could have him in every way while Becca could never. Or if it was due to the unencumbered attention he could dote on her. Possibly it was a bit of both. 

During their time together, Ethan made it unambiguous to Becca that the last two years of the notable attendings’ friendship Harper was his boss and that meant they couldn’t continue their on-off relationship. It’s the same rationale he was using with Becca now, except she and he never actually  _ were _ together just a few fleeting moments here and there. Aside from those little tidbits of information he never talked about his past with the surgeon. For all Becca knew, now that they were both heads of departments and on the same professional level, they could continue whatever it was they were previously doing. Ethan could easily fall back into the familiar convenience of being with Harper Emery. 

_ He makes staying apart look too easy.  _

He’s still functioning. He can be in the same room as Becca without his skin crawling. He can continue on with his life as if their intimacy and sleepless nights together had never happened. He makes moving on and being simply colleagues look painlessly uncomplicated. 

“Bec, you there?” a muffled voice spoke into her ear. 

She was on the phone. In her gripping trance she didn’t realize they were still speaking. Becca came downstairs to grab a sandwich and catch a nap in the on-call room before her date with Rafael in two hours. That’s when she caught the attendings cozily waiting next to one another. 

Shaking her head to bring her back from her trance she shakily breathed, “Yeah, can I call you back in 5?” 

“Yea sure. Just wanted to let you know I can’t hang out tonight.” 

In under five minutes her heart seemed to break twice. “Oh, okay.” 

“I’m on call,” there was a trained reassurance in his voice that was meant to soothe her. It didn’t work, but she wouldn’t let him know that. Becca needed his distraction more than ever now, alas work got in the way. 

_ Work  _ always  _ gets in the way.  _

“That’s okay, Raf. Talk later.” 

Being with Rafael Aveiro should have been easy. He was sweet and caring and knew just how to put a smile on her face. He had a supporting family and knew the secrets of this city that only long term locals would know. His embrace was warm and comforting, his kiss was a breath of fresh air. He was the type of boy she should be in love with. 

Becca shoved her phone deep into her scrub pocket and removed herself from the sticky position. She scoured the facility floor for an empty room to call hers for the next few hours. If she couldn’t see Raf she might as well distract herself with more cases. 

In the abandoned on-call room she felt alone inside, so profoundly alone. She hadn’t felt this low since the day she learned  _ He _ was leaving. If her current affair can’t comfort her at her every beck and call, what’s she supposed to do now? 

Laying on her back and staring up at the metal supports of the empty bunk above, Becca angrily bit into her cucumber sandwich. She replayed the entire cafeteria spectacle over and over again, dissecting every subtle movement she managed to capture. 

_ He’s known Harper forever. They have more in common…  _

The look of Ethan’s content stature and the way his shoulders rounded as he stood with Harper eats away at her. Sadness moved straight to maddened annoyance. All Becca has wanted to do since she learned of his leaving is punch him. Yell at him. Hold him closer than physically possible and beg him not to leave her again. 

_ Why am I doing this to myself?  _

She knows why and it hurts like hell. 

The truth is she can’t stop thinking about him. She can’t find a moment of peace in this whole damn hospital without thinking of him. Ethan  _ is  _ Edenbrook. And when she closes her eyes at night it’s his baby blues that haunt her - that same passionately ravenous stare the man had all those nights ago that made her feel like she was the only woman in the world who could satisfy him. 

This secret has been killing her. The secret she’s been keeping guarded under lock and key, a secret she can’t utter out loud. Her lips and tongue can’t comprehend the weight of those words. 

Becca sighed deeply into the abyss of the somber room. 

She hated who she had become in just two lonesome months. She wasn’t as confident anymore - everything she has ever known has been challenged and not in the flourishing way she preferred.  _ He _ made her this way. Desperate for him and hopelessly in…  _ infatuated _ . Everything was Ethan’s fault. If he wasn’t him then she wouldn’t be feeling this way. If he didn’t bring her into his secret case and take a keen interest in her person as her mentor, then she could have skated through residency as the bright eyed and hopeful girl she once was. 

She tightly closed her eyes and groaned as the forbidden words infiltrated her mind. 

_ I love him still. _

_ No. Stop it. You can’t feel this way. It’s just goddamn infatuation.  _

Logically her mind trailed down another path, trying so desperately to diagnose their situation. 

_ If this godforsaken feeling won’t quit there must be something here. I can’t be the only one to feel it.  _

_ Right?  _

_ This happened so quickly and died all too soon - is it all in my head? Did I make us up?  _

Before she knew it the door to the on-call room banged shut behind her and she was on her way to his office.  _ Was he still here? _

Of course he was. Ethan never went home these days but she didn’t need to know that. The moment he got back to his apartment - no matter how many times he scheduled a deep cleaner while he was away - every surface reminded him of Rebecca. His bed was missing the petite indent her body left behind, the left side now cold and firmly abandoned. His couch and bar cart called him back to all the conversations they had and every bit of sweet courage they indulged in. His kitchen held all the memories of cases they solved over takeout late into the endless nights. In his master bathroom the walk-in shower brought his mind back to the last place he encouraged her to fall apart in his apartment. Lastly and most bitterly, every window overlooking the restless city mocked him of the most alluring of views he vowed to never cherish again. 

**_Knock._ **

The dark wooden door to Ethan’s office was locked but she noticed the faint dull light of his lamp under the crack in the door. 

_ He’s there.  _ The thought shocked her slightly and she tried to backtrack.  _ He’s probably asleep. _

**_Knock._ **

She faintly knocked one last time in blind courage, not really wanting to disturb him. She’s been on the receiving side of his tirades multiple times. Her eyes widened as her mind caught up with her body.  _ This is a futile effort - what do I expect to get from this? What am I  _ doing _?  _

Becca’s left foot pointed down the hall, encouraging her to flee before she caused any more strain on their already fragile relationship. 

Mid-turn her right ear caught the sound of shuffling and the lock clicked open. Ethan’s groggy form peering into the fluorescent hall and down at her. 

“Rookie?” 

It’d been months since she last heard that name. And something flared up deep inside her.

When his bright blue eyes met hers anything and everything she planned to say vanished. All Becca could do was forgive those innocent and befuddled orbs of his. She made the mistake of looking into his eyes - One look and she fell deeper into the endless depths of Ethan Ramsey. Without thinking she forcefully pushed him past the threshold and in one swift movement captured his agape lips between hers. She hoped sleep held onto him so he wouldn’t push her away. 

She was wrong.  _ So _ wrong. 

He was wide awake. His eyes wide and lips hungry. 

Ethan’s left arm wrapped itself securely around her waist while his right reached past her to slam the door closed, dutifully locking it without letting her go for even a second. 

In their small sanctuary he was pulling her closer, his free hand now tangling itself in her hair. Becca’s impatient hands ran along his partially undone dress shirt, noticeably wrinkled from his nap on the couch. She then trailed them down to his chest to the hem, savoring the feeling of the taut muscles underneath, where she noted he wasn’t wearing a belt. Ethan’s hands followed suit and pushed her pristine white coat away. He was carefully caressing her forearm before leveraging one hand on her neck and the other securely on her waist, kneading the fabric from her skirt so that his fingers can dance along the small of her back uninhibited. 

He was kissing her back. And temporarily Becca felt hope. For a fraction of an hour she held onto the thought that he wanted them to be together too. 

Their hands and mouths were exploring one another in a craze. They were a drug to one another and neither could imagine the symptoms of withdrawal could be this strong. 

Ethan lifted her top and discarded it haphazardly, exposing her bralette - the nude and black lace complimented her skin in ways he never dreamed a piece of fabric could have such an effect. He was transfixed for a moment. Her effortless beauty was invariably captivating. Although he’s seen her like this before his astute mind never could quite capture her full essence. 

_ Does he still think he’s better off without me? _ Becca thought as she watched him ogle her. 

She moved closer to pepper sultry kisses along his neck. Her body was pressed flush against his, save for her groin which she purposefully kept a vengeful two centimetres away. 

Ethan’s eyes rolled back at her ministrations. With heavy breaths he spoke, “What are you doing to me, Becca?” 

Between kisses she muttered, “I can’t help it. You make me this way. I’m hopeless...”  _ -ly in love with you.  _

“But reliably so.” 

The truth is Ethan wanted her just as badly. However he knows full well she’d be better off without him. He’s selfish and rude - an unwelcoming presence to the outside world. Except for Becca - for Rebecca Lao he’d be anything she wanted. 

He took her by the chin moving her back up to meet his lonely lips. Right now he didn’t want to think about the past or what awaits them on the other side of the office door. Right now he’s going to let himself - let  _ them _ \- be happy. 

Ethan dragged her across the scratchy hospital carpet and over to the aged sofa he spent many solo nights on. Becca responded to his eagerness by straddling him and unbuttoning the rest of his shirt further, letting Ethan come into full view. The electricity that coursed through her veins when their skin touched was like nothing she had ever experienced with anyone else. It was erotic. It was vibrant. It was certainty. 

_ It has and will always be you.  _

Things change overtime, whether encouraged to or not. No one knows that better than Ethan Ramsey, especially with the unprecedented presence Becca has had on his life. Maybe, just maybe if they gave it enough time they would fall back into pace. This brief moment has been the highlight of the last two months - a regretful reminder that he had thrown this all away. 

They’ve spent too much time apart. And tonight he’ll take her anyway that he can. Tonight it’ll be the two of them snuggled up on the couch of his office post-rapture. 

Ethan lay across the couch with Becca curled up next to him, the nude and vulnerable pair tried to regulate their breaths after ruining one another in the best possible way. Ethan pressed a lingering kiss to the clammy edge of her forehead, smiling to himself when he noticed the light brown baby hairs began to curl with their heat. He shifted to hold her just a bit tighter. Ethan never wanted to return back to their incompatible reality. 

And then there was a determined knock at the door. 

“Ethan? I know you’re in there,” Harper’s voice called. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Ethan? I know you’re in there.” 

The two luckless lovers wordlessly cursed the situation they’ve found themselves in. Both too afraid to move at first. Maybe if they just stayed frozen in their place, not even daring to take a breath, the Head of Surgery would give up and leave them alone. 

Becca burrowed further into Ethan, taking in the last notes of his cologne mixed with her body mist, and the sweet smell of their natural scents mixed together. His skin, his touch, his warmth, everything that made up Ethan -  _ her _ Ethan - was still ever so comforting for Becca. Like being home in his arms. The way his muscles tensed and arms constricted around her led Becca to believe that they were going to ignore this nearly detrimental intrusion. They were going to hide from reality together. Together and buck ass naked on the old leather sofa, legs intertwined and Ethan right by her side where he belongs. 

Ethan’s eyes were shut tight hoping the encroachment on his personal time was a dream and that he was peacefully asleep with his resident in his arms. His nose buried deep in her misplaced waves inhaling the calming scent of gardenia and mandarin orange that is so distinctly Becca. 

Another hard pressed knock. 

“Ethan,” they could hear the growing annoyance in Harper’s voice. 

A low gruff groan emitted from him. There was no escaping this. 

Stiff in his arms Becca clung to him for dear life, begging him not to go.  _ Not again _ . If he goes, everything he was so concerned about protecting would sure be over. Regretfully, Ethan peeled her right arm from where it was cemented over his bare chest and at his side. 

Sweaty sticky limbs slowly started untangling themself. For the second time in less than three minutes they both internally cursed themselves for doing something so incredibly reckless. 

_ What was I thinking?  _

_ I wasn’t.  _

Ethan carefully slid out from under her causing Becca to flop down to the back of the couch with an undignified  _ screech  _ as her clammy backside skid against the leather. He shot her a scornful look and she retorted with an angered scrunch of her face. The noise wasn’t her fault, he was the one that moved. 

_ He was also the one to take my clothes off. This isn’t  _ my  _ fault.  _

Ethan reached down grabbing his shirt from its discarded place next to the glass coffee table. 

“Ethan, open the door.” 

With a sigh he grumbled back, “Coming.” 

He threw his briefs and trousers on haphazardly and did up a few shirt buttons quickly. He knew he could get away with this ungodly sight under the cover of a solitary nap after a hectic day. What he couldn’t figure out in the next ten seconds was how to explain why a subordinate was locked away with him looking much worse for wear. 

Ethan stood up at a snail’s pace. He took the shortest steps she’d ever seen as he made his way to the door. Everything to Becca was happening in slow motion. 

_ Fuck.  _

Her heart was racing out of her chest, she tried to keep her irregular breaths quiet but her body just wasn’t fully recovered from their sexscapade to take back any sort of firm control. Becca was in panic mode. Harper Emery was quite possibly among the worst of people who could walk in on them. Her keen knowledge of Ethan certainly made the situation worse - would the all-knowing surgeon be able to derive their actions just by recalling Ethan’s faint post-sex musk? 

There was no time to panic. 

Harper was on the other side of that door impatiently waiting for it to be unlocked. How long had she been standing there? If college had taught Becca anything it’s that the bricks of any large, mass-produced building were  _ not  _ sound proof. 

_ Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Oh my god.  _

As quickly as Becca could while Ethan bounded over to the door at a political pace, she gathered her clothes which thankfully weren’t too far from the sofa. Top and bottoms were chucked on, consciously forgoing underwear - the lace pieces and her shoes cradled tightly against her chest. She did a double take. Then a triple take ensuring there were no other telling signs strewn about. 

Ethan reached out to grab the doorknob. 

Fight-or-flight kicked in. 

The handle turned haltingly and all the oxygen drained from the air. 

Ethan’s free hand flew to cover his remorseful eyes as he gradually opened the door, shedding outside light onto the sanctuary. 

Harper Emery stood under the harsh fluorescent hospital lighting in her 15-hour old clothes and arms folded disapprovingly over her chest. 

With one swift look at her long-time accomplice she commanded, “Go home, Ethan.” 

Ethan was too stricken to say anything. 

Harper raised an eyebrow when her greeting wasn’t met with a witty comeback and blatant disregard for decorum. She pushed past him into the office and Ethan could have sworn he was going into cardiac arrest. 

He lightly spun around to face the surgeon with arms half raised as if he was surrendering before Harper pulled the trigger. 

When he turned around Becca was gone. All traces of her and their last hour of unabashed passion were gone. His eyes darted around to every surface she had touched in the last sixty minutes. Nothing. Every bit of her scattered around the seating area had vanished. It was as if she had never walked into his life at all. 

Was it all just a cruel dream? 

Harper’s critical voice brought him out of his stupor, “I shouldn’t have to tell you sleeping in your office is against hospital policy.” 

He stood up straighter still towering over her and crossed his arms to match the displeasure, “When has that ever stopped us before?” 

Harper skillfully assessed the state of the diagnostics office. Dipped leather, dark lighting, Ethan’s clothes hanging loosely and his hair completely out of place. She feared he was worse off than what she anticipated. 

“Go home, Ethan,” she recited. “I know you’ve slept here almost every night since you’ve been back.” His eyes were still searching around the room and looking everywhere but at the woman before him. Harper crossed the distance and cupped his cheek forcing him to focus his morose blues on her. “What’s going on with you?”

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re not.” She looked back over her shoulder to where his eyes kept lingering on the sofa. “What’s that ratty couch have over your apartment? Heaven knows your Tempur-Pedic mattress is much more comfortable.” Her thumb caressed the apple of his cheek, tracing the faint beauty mark only very few are ever close enough to appreciate. 

_ The couch just held Becca.  _

_ Didn’t it? _

Did he just soil the one place he had in this whole city that solemnly held onto their professional relationship? If so, where could Ethan go to avoid the memories of her now? In this moment Ethan hoped the last hour had been all a dream. 

He sighed. Accepting the fact that his imagination had conjured her up once again to get him through another restless night.

“I have a lot to catch up on,” he shrugged. “It’s more efficient if I stay here.” 

“Go home, Ethan,” she said, her dark and normally eclipsed eyes heavy with concern. 

“You’re not chief anymore.” 

“No.” Harper said definitively with a light tap to his chiseled cheek. “But I know the Chief wouldn’t approve of this scene either.” 

She feathered a light kiss to his left cheek. When they pulled apart she took one last look around the dejected man she spent years learning. He still was wholly unsettled and his office was in moderate disarray. This was not the Ethan Ramsey she knew. 

With that she left and closed the door tightly behind her. 

Ethan promptly locked the door and began to pace. His hand flew from his tousled hair down his tired face. Had he really lost so much of his grip on reality? He thought he’d gotten over the hallucinations of her - his subconscious had stopped summoning her picturesque form around day 32 of his Amazonian sabbatical. He’d finally pulled himself from the equation and reset. There’s no way his known resolve would let him do this - he would never cross barriers and have sex in his office, let alone fall apart with the woman he -  _ No. This was a maddening dream _ . As much as it pained him, he needed to let Rebecca Lao go. 

But now even his office wasn’t free from her. Where do you go to find darkened peace when the sun has already claimed all known surfaces with its devotion? 

He opened his sorry eyes.

And there she was. 

Becca was on hands and knees crawling out from behind his larger than needed desk. 

“You’re here,” he breathed with incredulity. 

Becca stood and was wiping the dust off her knees. “Yeah. Why’re you surprised?” 

A sudden wave of happiness overcame Ethan, happy to know he didn’t make it up - that they did indeed sleep together for the first time in weeks. That they still felt something for each other though circumstance demanded otherwise. But as he took in the pleasant surprise before him the weighted severity of the situation came crashing down all at once. Becca could see the gears change in his eyes. 

She took his ill response as answer enough. 

“Right.” 

The moment she realized what she had done she wanted to retreat. She shoved her underwear as deeply in her scrub pants pockets as far as they could possibly fit and slipped on her shoes. Her flight response kicked in and she brushed past him at lightning speed, so quick that Ethan wasn’t allowed the courteous chance to stop her. As she ran she felt the ducts of her eyes swell and begin to glaze over. Becca bit the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood to keep from shedding another fucking tear over Ethan Ramsey’s rejection. 

This story was getting old and Becca really didn’t want to feel used and worthless anymore. She prided herself on always following her intuition and knowing what she wanted from life. How could her heart be so ludicrous in thinking Ethan wanted her too. 

She had set her own boundaries. Becca had turned him down for a nightcap at Donohue’s the night he resurfaced. She wasn’t going to speak with him, not after he left her high and dry for two months. They were going to be vengefully professional. She was going to pretend all the glances and lustful actions over the last year didn’t happen - every sight, every conversation, every time he sat in that chair next to her she had to remind herself  _ nothing _ happened. They were nothing. 

And yet here she was sneaking out of his office during an unscheduled graveyard shift like none of that pain mattered. Now every single day she has to go through the motions and look at that damn rotten couch every single shift - another reminder of the blatant repudiation. 

_ When will I learn? _

She briskly made her way down to the locker room to grab her things. As much as she needed the distraction work provided she did not want to be here. Not after that. Nor could she stomach being alone with her thoughts any longer tonight. So she texted Raf. Maybe he’d be sitting in the cafeteria waiting for some action and want to sneak away for a bit. Her living under a 10-minutes jog from Edenbrook made her part of the bargain an even more convincing argument on normal nights. 

She didn’t expect the text she received afterwards. 

**Come home with me.**

_ Seriously?  _ she thought. 

A single tear escaped Becca’s enervated ducts. Her lips perked up from the resting frown they’ve found themselves in the last few weeks. After everything that had transpired it seems like Becca was finally getting what she wanted. 


End file.
